Part 1 - That Thing Called Love

Join us as we conversate about the dynamics of love in the culturally driven eye pleasing society. In this episode, we find our way back to the foundations of love and how to view love and lust in its proper perspective. 

Transcript

SPEAKER_03 0:00

Welcome to Life and With Lady P and I'm here with my two co-hosts Wanda Anderson and Wayne Hendrick Bobs. And we're here today to have a conversation where life challenges, well, real life challenges reality and brings balance to body, soul, and spirit. Today we're going to explore a topic that is true and dear to everyone's heart, and we will explore aspects of this topic, this thing called love, and what love really is and what it was never meant to be. Love is needed and required for our human nature, but capturing a true loving relationship in this economy is often fleeting and not only fleeting but challenging. We ask the question, what has love got to do with it? A very popular movie. Because we're living in a time where love is talked about constantly but practiced inconsistently. So today we want to bring some regulations, and I hate to use that word, but some structure to help us navigate and bring our conscious mind, our body, and our feelings and our emotions to a level where we understand what it is we are seeking and seeking to find and obtain. So everyone wants true love, but few can find it or define it. And we've confused love with chemistry, desire, with devotion, and convenience and not covenant. Love really is covenant, and we're going to explore that in greater detail. True love doesn't just make you feel good, it makes you whole. And sometimes true love will bring you to a place of pain. But if you work through it, I promise you it will be worth fighting for. Today we're cutting through the noise to rediscover what true love really is. Understanding and having clarity on love is key. Phrases like, I'm madly in love with you. What does that really mean? Is that phrase simply just instituted at the beginning of a relationship where chemistry connects? Or does that phrase often drill down to a more granular level where love is consistent and remains? So I do want to throw some questions at my co-hosts to open up this segment. The first question I want to throw at you is when you first thought you were in love, what emotions did you feel at that time? I'm gonna toss to you.

SPEAKER_04 2:39

I knew you were.

SPEAKER_03 2:39

I knew you were.

SPEAKER_04 2:42

So what I felt was very happy. Um I was elated, I felt safe, which is a major thing for me. Um, I felt attractive. It was easy to look in the mirror, it was easy to um get ready because my goal was to be as beautiful as he made me feel. So those are some of the things I felt being in love.

SPEAKER_03 3:08

Okay, I'm gonna come back to you because I hear you saying that, you know, it made it easier for you to look in the mirror. But did that complete you as a whole person? No. And was that that relationship that you first felt that emotion of love that that that relationship pan out to be true love, or was it what they call puppy love? That's a difficult question.

SPEAKER_04 3:32

Um yeah, that's a difficult question because the marriage did not survive, but I believe that I was in love with the individual. I just believe that the marriage did not survive the attack that we were under. Um it wasn't public love because it wasn't based on feeling. It wasn't based on, you know, he made me feel good today, so I love him, he hurt my feelings, so tomorrow I hate him. It wasn't it wasn't like it was a lot more complicated for me than just either or. There was a series of events that took place, and I believe that that's what ultimately ended the marriage, killed the marriage. But I think that that there that I love that we had in especially in the beginning, um, and through the difficult times was very true. It's just that some people they push away instead of pushing together. And if you push away, you lose. If you push together, you win.

SPEAKER_03 4:32

You win. Okay. I like that. And what about you, Wayne?

SPEAKER_01 4:35

Um, I felt hopeful. I felt wanted. I felt deeply connected, I felt like home. Yeah. At least at first. Okay. At least at first, that's how I felt.

SPEAKER_03 4:46

Okay. And and for you, again, that same question that I I asked um of Wanda, did you feel that that was uh a solid foundation? Did you feel that that was true love, or did you just feel that for the moment? Because a lot of times, here's what happens: people will meet somebody, chemistry will happen, and they're like, oh, I just love that person, right? And they don't begin to get to reality until it's been been a few weeks or maybe a few months, and then they come to a place of reality where they're questioning themselves, you know, is this real love, right? And let me float here for a minute. When we meet somebody in the beginning, it's those butterflies in the stomach, it's those googly eyes, right? It's that cartoon image of the dog with his mouth wide open and he's salivating, and his heart is beating out his chest, and they're just so in love. And and and that's the thing that happens when we first meet somebody, and based on that rationale alone, were your two experienced um like that? And if they were like that, and I think you did answer it, Wanda. You said it was, you know, that puppy love may have faded, but it was true love. Right. That was correct. I believe, yes, I believe it was true.

SPEAKER_01 6:00

You know what? And I can kind of mimic what Wanda actually said. I felt as though it was true love, even though there was a divorce, but it was true love to me. I really felt like I was in love. In love. That's the difference. I felt like I was in love with this individual. I really did.

SPEAKER_03 6:16

Okay, that's awesome because I'm gonna speak from my own experience. Um, so I don't think that when I met my husband, um, that I felt those butterflies in his stomach at first, right? So I think for some people it comes like really quick. But then for other people, I think because of my personality type, I'm a realist. Right, right. And so I was waiting for the boom, right? I was I was absolutely waiting for the boom. Hey, this this man wants to be with me. Is this really real? Right? And so for me, I was waiting through waters, waiting for the anchor to to settle. Yeah. Before I would allow myself to say, you know, I really do like this individual. I I really do do like him. I wasn't looking for any of those things that people look for in the beginning, you know, take me out a date, I could have cared less. I was looking for security and and and emotions and attachment. So for me, that pounding at the chest didn't happen right away. It it took it took a few weeks before I really realized I I do I do like him, right? And so for us, and again, I just want to go here because we're talking about a foundation and a base for true love. And a lot of times what we have in our current economy, and I'm gonna you're gonna keep hearing that phrase, our current economy of love is not love at all. So it is a display of a false love, and based on false media presentations, you know, unfortunately, these generations base their current love idea on what they see on social media, was shown in Hollywood, right? And also with social norms and cultural norms, right? Right. So they haven't really navigated the waters of what one would consider to be true love. What they have done, um, I will say, is they begin to base their their love and their feelings and their emotions on what they see. So looking at this, is love. I'm gonna ask this question, and I just want you to settle with you for a moment. Love is based on neurochemical and dopamine reactions that are present in everybody, right? Um based on that alone, it is that is a sexual attraction. So that attraction begins in the beginning, and it begins with the feeling of wanting to be close to that person. But are all sexual attractions founded in love?

SPEAKER_04 8:51

Absolutely not. Absolutely not.

SPEAKER_01 8:55

You gotta tell me why though. The reason why I I would say I believe that it should be built before it becomes love. Um, I think that you should really become friends in order to build up to this thing we call for real true love. Okay, because nowadays, as you stated before, a lot of today's people will be not necessarily in love, but they're doing a thing of love. Giving away that thing called love, but not truly in love. Okay, okay. That's a difference.

SPEAKER_03 9:28

That's a difference. So you say giving away that thing called coverage. Yes. We're gonna come back on that in a few minutes, okay? That was a good thing. Um because that is true, that happens a lot. And truly, when we get to a place where love is an emotion only, and what does that look like? It's just an emotion, and that's all it is, but it's not deeply rooted or grounded in anything. So, because of anything that's not anchored, it's not going to last. Absolutely. You know, you have to anchor your love if you want it to last. Absolutely. Is that correct? That is correct. So love is not an attraction without commitment. And I want to really talk to anyone that's listening. If someone is not committing to you, that's not love. Because love absolutely is a commitment. Listen, you can't be with me and have open doors and relationships that were past. I have to be the center of attention and love. I'm sorry, I'm selfish that way. And if that's wrong, then that's wrong. But it has caused my relationship to last for years. Now, I want to go back and give you some data that I pulled up regarding um how people view love.

SPEAKER_04 10:39

Okay.

SPEAKER_03 10:40

70% of our population believe true love exists.

SPEAKER_04 10:44

Okay.

SPEAKER_03 10:45

Okay. 88% of that, 70% are married and committed couples. Okay. Right? And 64% of that are singles who believe that true love exists. Men will do what they call fall in love quicker than women. Women are more reserved. Well, I'm gonna say women in my generation were um uh are were a little bit more choice when it came to their partners, I wanna say. Whereas today they're more free with choosing the first pardon expression, time, dick or hairy that comes by, right? We want to navigate into a place where we're not desperate for for love. And I think this this generation, this Z generation, is that what they call it?

SPEAKER_04 11:38

I I don't even know what the new one's called.

SPEAKER_03 11:40

I I I think they're desperate for love. They're so desperate for love that instead of waiting for someone to fulfill that basic principle and build what you said, Wayne Ed, that that relationship, two days later they're in love.

SPEAKER_01 11:53

I don't know. Can I ask a question though? I don't know if that's love though. I think that is just want being wanted, being wanting to be involved, but that's not what you call love though.

SPEAKER_04 12:05

Well, that's I so let me add to that. I think that it's there's a difference when we're making the definition of love and lust. That's it. I see lust on an individual. I can be attracted sexually to an individual, but once I've fed that attraction, I'm ready to move on to the next one because his breath smells or it's not what I wanted. He didn't have the moment, he took care of the moment. I'm a boomer. And back in our days, we were much more conservative with our bodies, with the way we moved in the community, especially in the sexual community. Sex wasn't talked about a lot, and you didn't sleep with a lot of people. That wasn't the thing. I think the transition when you come in today, people get to know each other by sex, which blows my mind. You know, I meet you, there's some type of an attraction, we go out, we have dinner, we laugh and talk. We're like, okay, we're getting along. Let's go home and have sex. So let's not. I think what we need to go back to is something that you said earlier as well, uh, Wayne that is to develop a relationship that will grow. Uh friendship, um, partnership. Um, Pat, you you alluded to it when you talked about root um basing it on roots, because love don't last. Looks don't last, the thing that attracted you to them in the first place. None of that lasts. So you've got to have something more. You've got to have a sense of security and trust and all the other, you know, things that add in when you're making that marriage or that relationship, like Pat was saying. A relationship isn't just love, it's trust, it's security, it's safety, it's it's being confident that even if he's mad, he's not gonna leave me out here by myself. Right. And even if I have an attitude with him, I'm still gonna cook his dinner.

SPEAKER_03 13:59

Exactly, exactly. And that's an action that is a perfect point. Yeah. Because um, if love leaves when things get hard, it's not love. It's not love. It is not. If you walk out when things get hard, that's not love. If you walk out when the bills are high and we can't meet the bills and can't pay them, that's not love. If you walk out when the kids have health issues and things like that, that's not love. No, love is a support, a supported foundation by most people that are in the relationship. It is not just me doing it all. No, it's it's us doing it together. Absolutely. 100% that has to be love. And so these changing concepts of love is confusing for me. Yeah. For me, let me just say for me, maybe not for the rest of the the this generation, because we are a few generations behind everybody today, and what the media has presented as a love play, as a love space is actually not a love space. Right. It is truly a lust space. Absolutely. And if you don't take anything else away from this podcast today, you know, your body, male and female both, is not a place that lust deserves. It's a place that's wanting and craving love. That's right. So within your body, your soul and your spirit, and that's the thing that we want to bring. Within your body, your soul and your spirit, it there is a thirst for love. Yes, akin to like being in the desert and wanting water. Yes. Or, you know, missing a meal and being hungry. I was there a few minutes ago. I was so hungry I didn't know what to do with myself, right? But but love is just that it is a craving that we as humans that we absolutely need and seek to fulfill. Absolutely. But here's what happens: we fulfill it at almost any cost.

SPEAKER_04 15:44

Say that.

SPEAKER_03 15:45

And that's not where we want to be. No. We don't want a relationship of convenience. And then we have on these rose-colored glasses where we see the red flags and we know that it's truly not love, but we're willing to sell out and to sacrifice true love for temporary convenience. Absolutely. And you don't want temporary convenience. No. But what you do want, I'm convinced that every woman, every man wants true love. Absolutely. And if you can't give me true love, but if you're seeking true love and a man is not giving that to you, tell him to move out, move out your way so you can find the Mr. Right and stop being Mr. Wrong. Right. Imposter syndromes.

SPEAKER_01 16:27

Yes. What is it called? Imposter syndrome. Explain that one. Someone that's coming to you with a mask on and not showing you who they truly are. They're just coming to you, maybe I want you. And they may show you those things that you want, that you're longing for before you get it. But when the things begin to happen, those bumps in the road begin to happen, he'll show you who he really are. He'll show you who he really is.

SPEAKER_04 16:52

And and women as well. Yes. Absolutely. I think what has to happen or should happen is initially in the beginning, when you meet somebody, it's almost like an interview. You're talking, you're saying, hey, how are you? What's your name? How are you? And we start to know each other. Where do you work? What do you do? What are your hobbies? What do you like? It's at that moment that you have to make decisions that are gonna take you further down the road. Not how tall he is, not how good looking she is, not the body, weight, shape, none of that is relevant. Sexual attraction is gonna happen, but what's not gonna happen is emotional intelligence, is um uh being a hard worker or being able to support and provide for the family, being a protector, because men and women are protectors. You don't want a woman to protect because she ain't the one. But you you what you want are those things. Does he care about me, not how I look, but me at my core? Is he interested in the things that I'm interested in? Am I interested in the stuff he's interested in, or am I just saying that so I'm not alone? Absolutely. I don't want to be alone tonight, so I know that there's certain things that I have to say. There's a role that I have to play. Now I'm being the imposter because I'm not being genuine. Is he being the imposter when he says, Listen, this is what I'm looking for? He already heard you say that you like men who are career-oriented. And he's oh yeah, you know, because I'm doing this and I'm building. You're doing that until you get what you want. Once you get what you want, you become who you really are. You unmask. And I think it's important, it goes back to what you were saying, Pat, about the keys in relationship and in marriage. If I don't build a strong foundation from the beginning, I'm not gonna have nothing at the end. It's gonna be that puppy love because it was based on lust. It was based on how he made me feel and not on building, you know, bringing us together as a unit, as a oneness. And I think people today aren't aware that there is actually a oneness that exists in marriage.

SPEAKER_03 18:57

Absolutely. Absolutely, that exists in true, true, true love. With that being said, this this new generation, I began to look a little bit deeper and do some statistical um pulling of some information because I really wanted to know where these changing norms came from, right? And how did they how to me I feel like this current generation, and I don't mean to to keep throwing gray shade on them, but it's what I'm seeing, right? Yeah, um, I I tried to figure out how they get to the place where they are, where they are so comfortable with being so interchangeable with so many people at the same time. Because I believe that love is a committed relationship. Yes, it is. It's it's a one-on-one thing, right? And you do me and I do you. That's how it should be. But when I begin to look at the statistical data, it started in Hollywood. Yeah. Do you all remember in our day where, you know, in Hollywood, you saw the woman married with the white picket fence and two kids and the big chivalers and driving her kids to school. And, you know, we saw those images and they they they they manifested in us and even in the homes that we saw, you know, mother-father parenting, right? Um, and we grew up wanting to emulate that and not only emulate that for what we saw in our eyes, but every single um religious culture and every single culture has these same norms that, you know, love is based on foundation, right? What does uh Corinthians say? We can go there in a in a minute, but right now I want to stay here with where they got these norms from, right? It's it's the Hollywood shows that started changing from movies to series that showed betrayal in love, how to cheat in love, how to sneak around in love, and and what they said was love, let me say that. Yeah, and and now all of these images are are etched in the minds of these young people, and and and we'll and this is why there are less loving relationships in our economy today, right? Because of the images that have come out of Hollywood, because of the social media. Let's talk about social media and let's talk about what's portrayed on social media. So if you're a woman and you feel like you have to change your body image to get love, you that's that's a no-go right there. Right, that's not good. You don't need to get a uh a BBL, you don't need to get, you know, implants, you don't need to get a facelift, you don't need to get all of the things that that social media is telling you that you need to get love because love is blind. Honey, you can be the ugliest person and still get a good looking man. We've seen it. Oh, did I say that?

SPEAKER_01 21:51

They tried to tell you he was ugly.

SPEAKER_03 21:54

Easily if you flip that coin, the same thing, you do not have to be. You know what people. Would consider a hunk, right? But to get love because love, there is a someone for you, but you just have to make sure you're seeking for love is in the right place, in the right space.

SPEAKER_04 22:12

Yeah, right. Open and available and allowing that light of you to shine because someone's going to see it, be attracted by it, and head towards that light. There are people who are gonna see it who don't mean you well, they are lustful. They wanna, they're gonna look at her eyes and like, ooh, she got some pretty eyes. So as soon as you see her eyes, why don't I want to sleep with you? Right. But now I do because your eyes are beautiful. So now I want to have sex with you, but not relationships, not partnership, not building, not uh the unconditional um love that marriage requires. Because times get hard in marriage, the bills get tight, he's tight, you tight, the kids is getting on everybody. It's it's it's difficult, but it's meant to work through. The process is that we work through this. And like you said, social media tears us down all the time. Because you, if you ever go on the, and I do, I'm raising my hand for I do, if you ever go on some of the social sites and somebody gives you a scenario of a relationship that's in trouble. When you go to the comments, divorce, leave him, get out, um, move in silence. And I'm like, but everything isn't a is not a divorceable offense. Something he put his hands on you, you you need to go.

SPEAKER_02 23:27

And that's one of the reasons why we in our loving process, we need to go through the seasons of being with these individuals. Learn them through their grieving time, through their loving time, through their hard times, through their times of arguments. What that's gonna look like. Yes, yes, you know, say to yourself, okay, we're in an argument right now. Yeah. Are you gonna leave me? Or are you here for me? Exactly.

SPEAKER_00 23:53

You know, my goodness. You know, this conversation is getting really heated right now. I know! But we we we gotta we gotta cut it out. Right, but I want you to stay tuned for the next episode. Listen, we appreciate you joining with Life and With Lady P where the conversation is real, where we get to the bottom of every topic, where you will walk away with knowledge to help you do this thing that's called lifing. Thank you so much, and make sure you subscribe to get the future episodes.