Part 2 - That Thing Called Love

Join us for Part 2 of "That Thing Called Love" where we continue the conversation that is revealing, insightful & meaningful.

Transcript

SPEAKER_02 0:34

All right, you came back, and um, we're so grateful that you came back to be a part of our continuing conversation on this love thing. Again, I am here with my hosts, uh Wanda Anderson and Waynette Hendrix Bob, and we're we're drilling down into this thing that's called love. Our last episode got so excited as we were ending, where we started to get into a hot button place, but we had to cut off for timing. But we are back here today, and we're gonna pick up exactly where we left off. Waynette was talking about learning people through the seasons, and so I just want to tap this over to her so she can pick up on that and we can go from there. Go ahead.

SPEAKER_03 1:10

Okay, what I was talking about was we need to um when we're in starting to get into a relationship, find out what love is, and how we find out what love is, we learn through seasons. The season of grief, when he's when there's a little bit of anger, some kind of um disagreement, um, loss, um, what else? Just all different types of things that we go through in order to know are you able to tolerate this person through your relationships? Yeah, I like that.

SPEAKER_02 1:41

And and those you could call those the the winter, the spring, and the summer and the fall seasons, right? Because what I'm doing is I'm I'm learning a person through every aspect of their life. How does a person deal with grief? You need to know that. Absolutely. Absolutely. You need to know if they are derailed, if they just break completely apart, not so that you can prepare yourself to leave them if you're not used to them going through their grief, but so you can prepare to support them. Because love says, okay, I want to know how you react when our finances are tight. Like, are we gonna sit and have an emotional, intelligent conversation about it? Will there be the blame game that you know one party or the other is spending too much, or will we come to an agreement through these difficult times to work together? So these seasons are not designed to give you ammunition to load a gun in order to shoot it in order to leave, but it's designed to give you ammunition to be able to support that person through those different seasons. And when we do not go through the seasons appropriately, we we don't prepare to to work with an individual and for the longevity of a relationship and drilling down into love. So, with that being said, that there are times when, and you both can agree when we have had unrealistic, unrealistic expectations of what love is. Yes. So, what is unrealistic? That I expect this individual, I expect this person, whether it's male or female, to be at my back and car. Honey, can you go give me some water? And then if you don't go get you some water, then you can just leave then. That ain't love. Right? Right, that ain't love, right? You don't love me. But it's but it's in there, right? Right. I I did send that one time to my husband, that song from Jennifer Holliday. No, no, no, no way. I ain't going nowhere. And you and you're gonna love me, right? But that but you know what? Love is a choice, right? Because you have to choose that person over again. You have to choose to love them today. Absolutely. And despite what goes on tomorrow, you have to choose to love them tomorrow. And then despite what goes on the day after that, you have to choose to love them the next day. And that's how you get from you know loving a person for one week to loving them for years because you choose the choice to love them despite the circumstances, and that's what love truly is. Yeah, I'm with you. And that person has to feel that that safe place. You mentioned it wind up being safe earlier, you know, and and a lot of times people operate in an unsafe place. What am I saying? They're unsure of their relationship. So what happens is because they're unsure there, they operate not knowing whether today is gonna be the day that individual's gonna leave. Is today gonna be the day that person is gonna break up with me? It's the day the last day. And that's a walking on edge relationship. And nobody wants to wants to walk on edge.

SPEAKER_04 4:33

I call that walking on eggshells because you never know how that person is going to be or how what your response is gonna be to that person. Did they come in smiling? Okay, then our relationship is gonna be good today. Did they come in with a frown? Oh no, our relationship is over. That's where you get men and women who are very jealous and possessive and all of a sudden now you can't even go to the bathroom. Why'd you have to take your phone to the bathroom? Who are you talking to? I heard you. You was texting. Something's wrong. Something you didn't build a level of security or safety or trust. And you have to work that out because if that continues in the relationship, the relationship isn't gonna last. Because one or the other is gonna move on. Because you there's only so much of that that you can take. I'm with you because I love you. And what that means for me, break it down. Act like you're talking to a child. Break it down. Here's what it means to me, here's how it works for me, and here's what I want to do going forward. How can we fix this? It goes back to building together, not you building one, and I'm, you know, and he's building one. It's us building something together that's unified.

SPEAKER_03 5:39

So and not only that, you end up losing yourself in that in that situation because you're trying to finagle what he or she wants in this relationship. Meanwhile, in the midst of it, you're losing who you really are in. There you go.

SPEAKER_02 5:53

So let's talk a minute about how um people meet, right? Okay, because in our day, it was, you know, you met at the bus stop.

SPEAKER_04 6:04

True.

SPEAKER_02 6:04

You started up a conversation, or you met in a coffee shop, you met in the library, you met pumping gas, or you met somewhere and not in on social media where relationships are built. I've been talking to them through social media and tech for a year. Now I'm gonna go live where they live and move in with them. That's scary, y'all. Because you don't know who you're getting, you don't know their background, you don't even know their family structure, you don't know anything of that individual. Right? That individual, their prior life. There's no conversation, and trust me, that imposter that you alluded to earlier is the person who is who is present at that time. Yes. For for at least what you say. I think you guys said it was about six months the imposter shows up. Yeah. And what is he doing when he shows up for six months?

SPEAKER_03 6:56

Playing a role? Mm-hmm. That role that we gave, you gave him so that he would be able to construct himself as what you want him to do.

SPEAKER_04 7:05

Him or her to be. Wow. 100%. Yes. I'm pretending to be what you want. I listened to you. I took mental notes. Oh, I know she likes a guy who opens doors. I'm gonna open every door for her. I know she likes a guy that uh pays for dinner. I'm gonna do that. Like I know she likes a guy that's hardworking. So I'm not gonna have all my time for her. I'm gonna let her think I'm working or working overtime or career building, and I'm doing all of these things for six months. When we have an argument, I'm gonna be patient because she doesn't like to yell and scream. Or if she likes to yelling and screaming, I'm gonna yell and scream, but I'm gonna be kind of monitoring how that goes. So he plays with the clues, and most of the time, women do, we give great clues. We tell you exactly what we want and how we want it, when and where. So it's easy for him to pick all that up, pretend to be exactly that person until he gets what he wants, up to and including marriage.

SPEAKER_02 7:59

The problem is if you marry an imposter, well, if you marry an imposter pretty much a done deal. Yeah. Right? Because that was a choice that you made. And let's talk about some red flags with the imposter mentality. Absolutely. Because with the imposter mentality, there is absolutely some red flags that you see, but I think we're so starved and so thirsty that we choose to let those fly by. Yes. You see during the imposter stage that you know he acts in a way, or she, let's not just put this all in the mouth because it's male and female, that they act in a way that you're uncomfortable with. And rather than you have an intelligent conversation and say, hey, this is not working for me and I don't like this, you let it go. Once you let something go so long, it's a bell that's rung and you can't unring it. It's milk that's out of the bottle and you can't put it back in. Absolutely. So if if it's something that you see in the beginning, if you want your love relationship to last, you've got to call it out. But again, there comes that place where you have to be emotionally intelligent to have a conversation without having a battle. Yes. Because most conversations can't turn into a fight. True. If you don't have emotional intelligence. Yes, true. Because you often start speaking not to the issue. To say that. Drill down on that. To the issue, you speak to the person. Yes. You know, I can hear the woman saying, Well, you're not the man I thought you was. Or the man saying, Well, you're not the woman I thought you was. I want you to have a BBL. Like I'm only kidding. I'm just saying, I mean, it's possible, right? Yeah. It can happen, right? Yes, yes. But but but, you know, and you're really arguing about the fact that, you know, um, you thought that this relationship was going to be a more traditional one where the woman would come home and, you know, the dinner would be repaired, but you're not really bringing it out. You're bringing about all the imperfections that you see now that the honeymoon phase is over. There you go. Right? And and what happens when that happens is that is the first level deterioration of a relationship is when you begin to tear your partner down rather than lift them up and have a conversation that's full of emotional intelligence. And I said it earlier that love is a choice and that you have to choose to love every single day in order for it to last. I do have some hot questions for you that I want to throw your way up. No, no, no, no. Right? Go ahead. The first question is: Is there such a thing as love at first sight?

SPEAKER_04 10:37

I'm gonna say no. I believe there's lust at first sight. I believe there's attraction at first sight, but I don't think that it's love because I think love requires more than sight. Okay, that's my answer.

SPEAKER_03 10:50

And I think that love should be built on. Something is to be built. Love is to be built upon, right?

SPEAKER_02 10:57

So neither one of you believe that there's a such thing as love at first sight.

SPEAKER_04 11:01

No.

SPEAKER_02 11:02

No. I think it's attraction. I don't think it's love. But does that attraction turn to love? It can evolve to love. So yes, it is. It's built up to love. It can be 100% love, yes. But it's never there in the beginning. No, that's attraction. Yes. Okay. Because I kind of disagree a little bit. We saw that, and I didn't want to be attacked. Yeah. So I thought I would introduce generally. I do believe that there is a such thing as love at first sight. And I do believe that it can, it is a the foundation for a good relationship. But I believe that an individual has to understand their genetic or character makeup in order to recognize if that that that meat is a true love, right? Because if the first thing, let me use a male as an instance. If if a male starts a conversation with you, and his first thought, again, let's go back to, you know, bodybuilt, you know, and all he's talking about is the the way you're built and all of those things. Of course, then I feel that that particular place is love. But if a person you begin to to to, and I said at first sight, right, that you see, and you can have this strong attraction for them, I think it can be love, but I think we need to get to a place where we recognize it.

SPEAKER_05 12:20

Yes.

SPEAKER_02 12:20

So I don't want to discount it. I see I'm coming to you, I'm coming to you. I don't want to discount the theory of love at first sight. I think that is possible. Yes.

SPEAKER_03 12:29

I I think you can love that person, but you're not in love with that person. Okay, I'll take that distinction.

SPEAKER_05 12:34

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 12:34

I think that's really what it is. You can love that person, just something about Wanda I just love. But am I in love with that?

SPEAKER_02 12:42

Did you say there's something about Wanda you just love? There's something about Wanda. You said there's something about Wanda you just love. That I love. You do? That I love about Wanda. But you don't mean Wanda. You mean you're talking about your male partner, right?

SPEAKER_01 12:54

I just want to be absolutely that I love it.

SPEAKER_03 13:06

But I'm not in love with the individual. That's what I think that you know we can come to. Because I think I wanted to be clear for that because some people will be waiting like a lady with the with the wrong.

SPEAKER_01 13:19

That's a whole nother. But that's not today.

SPEAKER_02 13:22

Not today. So my next question is do you believe love and lust are the same? No. No.

SPEAKER_03 13:30

No. Okay. Why is that? Love, love is I'm loving you through your flaws. Lust is, I just want you. And and lust is fleeting. Absolutely.

SPEAKER_04 13:40

Yes. So because once you re- once you've once lust has culminated, you're ready to move on. Any any feelings that you thought were love, um, they go away. I believe that. Attraction comes first in every relationship. Right. I think I have to be attracted to the man that to something in them. It may not be physical, it may not be.

SPEAKER_02 13:59

But there's something that's a good thing.

SPEAKER_04 14:01

We used to call it swag, and we used to call it um presence. And there was something about them. And you're at the party or wherever you are, and you see him, and you're like, mm-hmm. Yeah. That's attraction. Now I need to get to know him. So I get my girl to introduce me. We get introduced and we start having conversation. I find out he's intelligent. I'm me personally very attracted to intelligent men. Then I find out he's hard working. He's checking my boxes. He ain't even tracked. I'm checking his boxes because I'm this, I'm that, I'm the other. Then I think baby love or that fresh love develops. But if I don't know anything about you and I just see you across the room, and I've heard people say that, so I don't argue that. They say, that's my wife over here. Absolutely. Absolutely. That's my wife. And you're like, I don't know you from you don't know me from a uh, you know, a can of beans. How how do you know I'm your wife? You don't know if I'm hot-tempered or mild. You don't know anything about me, but you know that I'm your wife. I think that's an instinctive thing that God puts in some people.

SPEAKER_02 15:10

Okay. So that's going back to my theory that there is a such thing as love at first sight, basically, right? There is because she just said it.

SPEAKER_03 15:17

Right, but is that is that in a female or men? Do we do we notice that with just the females or the men? Is it both?

SPEAKER_02 15:27

Um I think it's well. Well, so here's the thing. I can only speak from my experience, right? So I'm gonna speak from my perspective. So um when when my husband said to me, um, after I think it was the second time he saw me at the bus stop, you're gonna marry me. And I'm like, I'm thinking you're crazy. I don't even know who you are. Why would you say something like that? Right? Why don't you go somewhere? You stalker, you stalk in my little stop, go somewhere. Yeah, yeah. You know, and he said that, and I was like, oh my god, something is really wrong with this person. Like, you be going to just see me and say I'm your wife. Like, something's wrong with you. You wouldn't even know nothing about me. Right? All you knew is I had pretty eyes. Yep. I was patting pretty eyes. But guess what? That very statement 38 years later. Yeah, I'm he I'm still with him. He he became my my my my my my love of my life. Yes. Absolutely the love of my life he is. And I do believe, and I I want people to understand that there is a such, for me, I'm saying it from my perspective, that there is such a such thing as love at first sight, but you have to be careful. Again, I was cautious. You know, I had with this wall up, how are you gonna say it, he's gonna love me and you don't even know me? You know, and then and then once he gets to know me, you know, he's not gonna want me anymore. Right. So my walls are up from the beginning. But but in order to find true love, we gotta pull those walls down, right? And we gotta differentiate between lust and love, right? Next question. Um can you change a bad boy or bad girl into someone that you can love? And this is speaking to red flags. So you see some red flags about them, but there's some things you you just don't like, and you think that you can love them enough to change them.

SPEAKER_03 17:16

I don't think that we can change them, but if they love you, they may want to change because they love you. But we I can't change that individual. If anything, I can change myself to want to be with him, and that may be I'm losing myself, but I cannot change that individual to love me the way that I need to be loved. No. And you agree with that?

SPEAKER_04 17:36

100%. I'm gonna add to that though, that they have to be willing to make the changes because I can't do it for you. But I have to recognize why are you changing? Because if it's for me, if things go left, something goes wrong, do you go back to who and what you were before? You have to show me that this is who you are now. And I think what I wanted to add to that is women in their 20s and 30s, we take fixer uppers. We take great pride in taking those men that just need a just a tweak here and a tweak there. That's what we do. We fix things, we put things together and we like ta-da! Look what I make. That is what we do. Women in their 40s and for, oh no, I don't need no fixer upper. I don't need a project. I ain't building no man. Not ever. Not not this. No, not building. But when you're younger, you genuinely believe you can fix him. If he's got a temper, you can fix him. If he's lazy, you can fix him. If he's uneducated, you can fix him. You don't look at those as red flags. I think that's the difference between young women who don't have experience and women who are more subtle. Because once we're settled, we're like, oh no. I do, I do. I'm not doing that. No. You can like 10 things about them, and a half a thing is wrong, and you know what you're doing? You walk it away. Love you. Bye-bye, you're a little bit later. Yeah, absolutely. Because I'm not, I don't need a project. But girls in their 20s and 30s, and I say girls because I'm slightly older than that, uh, they look for projects actually. Absolutely. Think about it. Absolutely. You want to fix them. You want to be the one that shows him that you're gonna love him no matter what, no matter who, no matter when.

SPEAKER_02 19:22

And that is true. Uh I do like what you're saying about the fixer upper and the project um woman, right? Yeah. But we grew up with a mentality also, too, that, you know, not just the men, because I because we're women, we're talking about men, but this also applies to the women too. Yes. That some people were could be considered as a diamond in the rough. Meaning, correct, you know, that's exactly what I'm saying. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, and that's true. That's true. And do we lose out? And I just want to say because a lot of things happen to people along their lifespan. And the person that they can often become is not the person who they truly are. And they need a loving and committed individual to bring them back to baseline. I believe that you can be a baseline for them, but I again they have to want to shine themselves. Like you can't literally take all of the outside off of them and make the diamond shine. But you can, in a loving relationship, point them in a direction and say, Hey, I see this in you.

SPEAKER_03 20:26

Well, I'll say this. They have to already be working towards that. Okay. It can't be, oh, I'm going to be doing this and I'm going to be doing it, and you're not seeing nothing. All you're seeing them is laying in that bed. That's all you see, but you're not seeing them getting up in the morning trying to make things happen. No, no, no. Not me. Not in this life. Did you say laying in the bed? Because I'm just saying, no, not saying not laying in my bed. No, I'm just saying, I'm just saying, they're not doing what they need to do to make whatever it is, those goals that they have set aside for their life. Right. They're not making it happen. Come on, no, I'm not building no man. Today your time. No, not me. Not me.

SPEAKER_04 21:04

Legos be gone. And just so you know, you drop Legos on the ground, step on one of them things in the middle of the night. Absolutely. You throwing everyone of a boy. Absolutely. Why? Because it hurts. Absolutely. It's not my job to do this. I'm gonna raise kids already. Thank you. I will support you. I will align with you. I will give you suggestions. I will be there to shore you up and encourage you. But you, as Wynnette stated, clearly, you have to already be on that road. Working towards that goal, right? Working towards the goal. When I meet you, you know, like take weight loss. If you decide this guy says, oh, I'm 300 pounds, I want to get down to 210, 220, you say, Great. Well, when you meet him, he says, Yeah, I've already lost 40 pounds. And he has a uh a regimen and an exercise routine and a diet routine. Bruh, I got you. I'm not gonna go and make apple pie knowing you're trying to do something different. I'm gonna support you. I'm not doing I'm gonna do the things that align with your culture. But what I'm not gonna do is create goals for you and tell you how to get there. Actually, because like she said, my kids grown. I'm not doing that ever.

SPEAKER_03 22:14

Every time in this lifetime, not this chapter of my life.

SPEAKER_04 22:17

I loved it when I was in it, but I'm not trying to raise nobody's children, not no grown man, because after a while, believe it or not, they resent it. Wow. And they start looking for a woman. Now that you fix them, they're mad at you because you're sort of a mother type. Now they look for a woman that can appreciate the man you built. Well, that's that's that's come all the way now.

SPEAKER_02 22:40

That truly is a problem place. I'm just gonna tell you. Yeah. Let me fix you when you leave. I'm only trying to say. You see me. I'm just looking straight down.

SPEAKER_04 22:51

Because we're not doing that. We're not doing that. You're reaping the benefit of what I've been doing. No, no, no, no. I'm taking the whole leg of the stab down.

SPEAKER_02 23:00

What movie was it? Let's burn it down. No, I'm gonna kidding y'all. Listen, last question that we gotta wrap up because our time is really running on us again. You know, these are really, really good. Yeah, they are. Can physical intimacy lead to a lasting relationship, meaning a lot of people like to jump into physical intimacy first. No, right? Can can can physical intimacy leave you lead you into a good, solid relationship?

SPEAKER_03 23:25

I can say it can. I do know some people that probably have had sex the first time. I do, but I don't think that that is the norm because we as females, I think, when a female has sex, it clouds our judgment. So I just honestly, I don't believe it. We don't see the imperson, the um the the per the person with the mask on. We don't see that individual. So it clouds, we start looking at, oh man, he just looks so good to me. No, in darn well, he don't look good to you. He done messed your mind. So no, I just don't think so, but some people say that they have. Okay.

SPEAKER_04 24:00

Some people say they're what say you. I say it's about connection. I say that there is always gonna be a type of attraction, but I have to take that traction and build connections. Otherwise, what I end up with is maybe a mid or very good sexual experience. And if I'm building my relationship on how good he is in bed, I'm lost. I'm I'm a sinking ship because is bruh working? That's part.

SPEAKER_03 24:24

Not only that, he may lose that. He may lose that sexual. Then what? Right. Then what?

SPEAKER_04 24:34

Because it was more based on the physical, what he could do for me in bed. And believe it or not, I don't care how good he is in the bedroom, he got to get up sometime. Absolutely. And not only that, I may not want it all the time.

SPEAKER_01 24:46

That's another show. Because I'm I'm about to, yes. Okay, we're gonna end on this note.

SPEAKER_02 24:53

Listen, thank you. We don't want it all the time for joining us on Lifing with Lady P. It's been an amazing, amazing run on this journey with you, and we trust that you will go and subscribe. We are located on all of the top um podcasts. We are on YouTube, Instagram, Facebook. Please tell your friends, please subscribe. Let's get this thing going that we call lifeing. Thank you to my co-hosts, Wanda and Wayne Nat, and thank you for joining tonight. God bless you. Amen. Don't get no fixer upper. I leave him alone. Just leave him alone. Leave him alone.

SPEAKER_00 26:24

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